An Epigram Concerning People

There are people who say things they shouldn't.

And there are people who shouldn't say things.


Unimpressive Nostradamus Quatrain

Upon waking after the evening doze...
He will shuffle to the percolating black essence-
Upon finishing the dark, lively liquid...
He will hasten his gait to the bathroom.


Reasonable Response to The Bay City Rollers

I know how to fucking spell, assholes.

Lesser Known Batman Villians

The Kibbitzer

Uncle Touchy

Hideki Irabu

The Amazing Cubpoard Flan

Lady UTI


The Sleepy Mexican

The Twink the Bear and the Twink

Kung Fu Master Duki Pooponyu

Receding Hairline Man

Sargeant Prolapse

The Tribber

Haiku: The Last Days of August Winterbottom (He Finally Remembered His Envelope Opener)

Hands held 'neath moonlight,
We look at the stars as one.
In the breeze, a fart.


Unpopular Cereals

Ebola Flakes

Cancer O's

Cream of Crib Death

Frosted Mini-AIDS

Herpes Nut Clusters

Gonorrhea Grahams

Holocaust Crunch

Placenta Puffs

Count Cockula

Shredded Foreskin

Honey Bunches of Dysentery

Lucky Necrotic Tissue

Rape Nuts


A Gentleman Bachelor Does Broadway

There's a smell in my house-
(Where is it?)

There's a smell in my house-
(What is it?)

There's a smell in my house-
(Who is it?)

Now I remember that I shit in my pants.


Quoth Peter North, Now as a Slightly More Educated Man

"Be at the ready, my dearest... For I shall commence lacquering your derriere with the euphoric pinnacle of our binding in the merest of moments!"

There Is No Rain For Jacoby Cruthers

Jacoby Cruthers stands at the shore of the lake.  The light, calming wind - pleasing to both he and the ambient humidity - circulates amongst the trees coaxing a dulcet tone of ruffling leaves.  He takes a few steps along the shore listening to the random sounds of pebbles being pressed under his boot-heel.  April is such a nice month for laziness.  It usually rains everyday.  But this month has been an anomaly:  very little rain; too much sunshine.  Jacoby Cruthers wishes it would rain.

The man on the other side of the lake waves.  He sees Jacoby Cruthers meandering along the shore with his hands in his pockets looking at nothing in particular.  The man wonders what Jacoby Cruthers is thinking about.  The man always wonders what people are thinking about when they're by themselves.  It never occurs to him that they are thinking about exactly what he is thinking about.  The man never thinks what people think about him.

Jacoby Cruthers sees the man wave out of his peripheral vision.  He wonders why the man is waving.  It's quite a large distance to the other side of the lake.  If the man wants to have a chat, it would take thirty minutes or more to meet.  Jacoby Cruthers has never liked the term "half hour."  It bothers him... he doesn't know why.

The Man on the other side of the lake starts skipping stones.  He likes skipping stones.  His record for most skips is twelve.  He thinks that's a lot of skips.  He's never bothered to find out if it really is.

Jacoby Cruthers watches the Man on the other side of the lake skip stones.  The man is good at it.  Jacoby Cruthers picks up his own stone and flings it at the water.  It doesn't skip.  "Blast it," he says quietly.

The Man on the other side of the lake sees Jacoby Cruthers toss a stone in the water.  He's not very good at skipping stones, he thinks.  The ripples in the water are getting closer to him.  He thinks he should walk to the other side of the lake and teach Jacoby Cruthers how to skip stones.  He thinks he is a good teacher.

Jacoby Cruthers watches the ripples in the water move away from him and toward the Man on the other side the lake.  He thinks back to something his math instructor once said:  "If you are six inches away from a silver dollar and you step half the distance to it and each subsequent step is half the previous one, you'll never get to the silver dollar."  Jacoby Cruthers watches the ripples wondering if they'll ever get to the other side of the lake.

A light rumble in the distance causes a flock of birds to fly from the trees.  Both Jacoby Cruthers and the Man on the other side of the lake look toward the direction of the sound.  The sky is clear.  The sun's glowing warmth abounds.

Jacoby Cruthers sees the Man on the other side of the lake turn to look at the direction from where the rumble came.  Jacoby Cruthers finally removes his boot-heel from atop a fist-sized stone that he stepped on five minutes ago.  He picks up the stone and thinks he should bash the Man from the other side of the lake's head in.  He wonders if the blood-red droplets mixed with the blue water from the lake will make purple ripples that go on forever.

There is another rumble in the distance.  But this time, the rumble doesn't seem as far off.


Felix Pie Surrounded by Felixes, Pies

A man must one day find a subject that not only impresses upon him the importance of answers, but also the importance of obsessing over said answers. 

And having grown older and more weary having traversed the tundra of banality we call life, I one day sat upon my stoop and asked the heavens to intervene and bequeath me a subject that would hog-tie my brain for the remainder of my years as I patiently wait on the doorstep to nothing-ness.

The heavens moved as the trumpets blared.  A booming voice - of whom I could only assume was Michael Clarke Duncan - said unto me, "Learn to pluralize 'Felix!'  And then do some shitty clip art with Microsoft Paint."


This has been Felix Pie surrounded by Felixes and pies.


An Epigram Concerning Schmidty

It is painfully obvious that when one gazes at Schmidty, he does not enjoy even the slightest modicum of Native American extraction. 

This, though, has not belayed the tribal elders from bestowing the name "He Who Speaks As If Someone Is Listening" upon him.


Books That Will Never be Published

How To Be Tolerant Of Others

- by Pol Pot

Gimme That Fork, Asshole!

- by Stuart Cassington

Amelia Bedelia And Her Tasty Pie

- by Peggy Parish

Hasty Meats Fetching:  The Art Of Being A Highly Awesome Me

- by Wilford Brimley

Hooray!  Hooray!  Hooray!  Awesome And Wonderful!  Hooray!

- by Albert Camus

Dental Dams and You (A How To Popup Book)

- by Chester Poonswipe
How To Be Tolerant Of Others (US Edition)
- by Edgar Ray Killen
- by J. Fred Muggs 
My Mommy Is A Big Fat Doody Stupidhead
- by Timmy Horowitz
What You Should Do When Your House Is On Fire At This Exact Moment (Seriously, Your Fucking House Is On Fire!  Make For The Door, Stupid!  Holy Shit!  You're Still Reading?  What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?  Ha Ha, I'm Just Kidding.  Your House Is Not On Fire.  But If It Were, Reading This Book Would Assist You In Navigating The Treacherous Waters That Come With Everything Around You Being A'Flame.  So The Lesso...Wait- Do You Smell Smoke?  I'm Not Joking This Time.  Run, Bitch, Run!  Save The Richie Allen Rookie Card!  Save The AIDS Quilt!  Vamoose, Motherfucker!)
- by Sir Nigel Houndsworth OBE

I Never Touch The Stuff

- by Charlie Sheen with Dana Plato

- by Ginger Lynn

Delicious Cocktails For The Holiday Season

- by Jim Jones



Alternative Ways in Which to Throw Someone Under a Bus


The Rubbery right arm of Old Hoss Radbourn

Ninja Collective

Famous female shot putter Helena Fibingerová


Poem: Upon Viewing a Picture of Jesse Orosco

Jesse Orosco, New York Mets (1986) 

Your X is on a spot where triumph is buried,
But gone forever is that place
Only to be left forever in our dreams.

'Twas that night, a multitude of ago ago, so it seems,
That our dreams were manifested
To touch and never brush away.

Would it had been more apt had you ululated nothing?
An almost vacuous yawn sutured in time,
Your silent expression navigating longer than forever.

Lo, you shouted skyward,
Along with the hordes of dreamers,
Even if dreams are silent functions of the mind. 

And so what is left is this:  A quiet exultant pause in space,
And this is enough
To remind us of what can be when dreams happen.

Star Wars Epiphany

The Imperial Guards were really shitty at their jobs.


Unfortunate Things to Yell During Orgasm

"Parsnips.  Parsnips.  Parsnips!"

"A lux is defined as a lumen per meter squared!"


"I hope it's a girl."

"Daddy did it that way too!"

"Oh, the gaping maw that is your vagina reminds me of Admiral Akbar breathing!"

"You are sofa king we Todd Ed!"

"I'm getting a pap smear on Monday!"

"Gavin MacLeod?"



Alternative Lyric From Gilbert and Sullivan's "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General"

"I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes!
Now let's go bang each other."


An Example of How Doing a Mathematics Proof in the Air Can be Confusing

Green's Theorem on a plane on a plane.

A Joke

Two ducks are sitting in a jacuzzi.  One duck looks at the other and asks, "Hey, do you have any Chapstick?"

"Yeah, of course."