Quoth Peter North, Now as a Slightly More Educated Man

"Be at the ready, my dearest... For I shall commence lacquering your derriere with the euphoric pinnacle of our binding in the merest of moments!"

There Is No Rain For Jacoby Cruthers

Jacoby Cruthers stands at the shore of the lake.  The light, calming wind - pleasing to both he and the ambient humidity - circulates amongst the trees coaxing a dulcet tone of ruffling leaves.  He takes a few steps along the shore listening to the random sounds of pebbles being pressed under his boot-heel.  April is such a nice month for laziness.  It usually rains everyday.  But this month has been an anomaly:  very little rain; too much sunshine.  Jacoby Cruthers wishes it would rain.

The man on the other side of the lake waves.  He sees Jacoby Cruthers meandering along the shore with his hands in his pockets looking at nothing in particular.  The man wonders what Jacoby Cruthers is thinking about.  The man always wonders what people are thinking about when they're by themselves.  It never occurs to him that they are thinking about exactly what he is thinking about.  The man never thinks what people think about him.

Jacoby Cruthers sees the man wave out of his peripheral vision.  He wonders why the man is waving.  It's quite a large distance to the other side of the lake.  If the man wants to have a chat, it would take thirty minutes or more to meet.  Jacoby Cruthers has never liked the term "half hour."  It bothers him... he doesn't know why.

The Man on the other side of the lake starts skipping stones.  He likes skipping stones.  His record for most skips is twelve.  He thinks that's a lot of skips.  He's never bothered to find out if it really is.

Jacoby Cruthers watches the Man on the other side of the lake skip stones.  The man is good at it.  Jacoby Cruthers picks up his own stone and flings it at the water.  It doesn't skip.  "Blast it," he says quietly.

The Man on the other side of the lake sees Jacoby Cruthers toss a stone in the water.  He's not very good at skipping stones, he thinks.  The ripples in the water are getting closer to him.  He thinks he should walk to the other side of the lake and teach Jacoby Cruthers how to skip stones.  He thinks he is a good teacher.

Jacoby Cruthers watches the ripples in the water move away from him and toward the Man on the other side the lake.  He thinks back to something his math instructor once said:  "If you are six inches away from a silver dollar and you step half the distance to it and each subsequent step is half the previous one, you'll never get to the silver dollar."  Jacoby Cruthers watches the ripples wondering if they'll ever get to the other side of the lake.

A light rumble in the distance causes a flock of birds to fly from the trees.  Both Jacoby Cruthers and the Man on the other side of the lake look toward the direction of the sound.  The sky is clear.  The sun's glowing warmth abounds.

Jacoby Cruthers sees the Man on the other side of the lake turn to look at the direction from where the rumble came.  Jacoby Cruthers finally removes his boot-heel from atop a fist-sized stone that he stepped on five minutes ago.  He picks up the stone and thinks he should bash the Man from the other side of the lake's head in.  He wonders if the blood-red droplets mixed with the blue water from the lake will make purple ripples that go on forever.

There is another rumble in the distance.  But this time, the rumble doesn't seem as far off.