A Meeting with He and His Spiffy Sandals

In honor of All Hallows' Eve, I submit to you some very quotable quotes quoted by the most famous ghost in the history of all things that do not and will not ever exist...


Yessir-ree-bob. I do indeed mean the Jesus!  Christ!  I'm quite convinced I spoke to the anthropomorphic form of Jesus! Christ! because He told me He was in fact Jesus! Christ!  And only a delusional schizophrenic foil-chapeau wearing loon whom I played chess with on a daily basis in a facility for delusional schizophrenic foil-chapeau wearing loons would know whether or not they are Jesus! Christ!

And as Jesus! Christ! once said to me as he opened with a Stonewall Attack:  "How in the fuck-basket burnt sienna has Edward James Olmos not played Manuel Noriega in a Broadway rendition of Mannix?"

Excellent query, Mr. Christ!

And now----

Jesus! Christ! on...

- Electric Cars
"Ish Kabibble!"

- Jews

"They'll come around."

- Cute Kitty Cats

"Satan's sycophants!  Nihasa ne'er-do-wellers!  Stupid Assholes!"

- The Still Breathing Gavin Macleod

"I know a guy."

- Usain Bolt

"Whooopa-dee-doo, your majesty--  Try doing that on water."

  - Dancing Like No One is Watching

"Somersets; day and night!"

- The Trappings of  Wealth

"Bjorn Borg:  scourge of the Federation."



An Epigram Concerning Me Feeling Old

From an outside observer's standpoint, it would certainly seem like I'm mentally preparing myself for the process of bending down to pick something up off the ground that is less than one-tenth my weight.


Do Not Take John Farrell Literally

Needing a spark during the ALCS, John Farrell-- manager for the Beaneaters of Boston -- said that it was time to throw young-buck rookie third basebagger Xander Bogaerts into the fire.  While one should ignore the spark/fire reference as both hackneyed and legitimately dumbass-ian, it is quite necessary for one to note that "fire" was used as a metaphor.

So it is rather unfortunate that a third rate cardiac surgeon with a stupid hat took literally Farrell's quote and did this:

Piddles and damnations to Murgatroyd!  I left the Pepcid in my other sacrificial turban!



Be Kind-- Remind--

She ventured up to me with furrowed brow and bitten lip.  She grazed softly my face with delicate fingers.  Gazing into my eyes, I could tell her synapses were firing at speeds unknown to human-kind.  I stared back--pleading, begging, hoping--say it!  Does she dare?  Could those words I've longed to hear escape her mouth? 
And what seemed like eons multiplied by eons raised to exponent infinite...
"Honey," she says softly.
"Yes, my love?"  I can no longer wait.  I'm trembling.  Her naked vulnerability demands every ounce of my attention.
She speaks-
"Put the fucking toilet seat down."



An Epigram Concerning Robey

One could theoretically hug Robey forever if one chose to dedicate the forever necessary because forever is precisely the amount of time needed to get arms around him.


Not a Jewish Kung Fu Movie Starring Bruce Lee

Fists of Murray

Lesser Known Negro League Player Nicknames

Slappy Do-Rag Poo Poo

Pattycake Johnson

Cobblestone Knuckenicks

Old Aspergillus Face

Esther Abramowitz


The Laredo Lockjaw

Soupbone Smacker

Not Gay in Any Way Whatsoever