An Epigram Concerning Jim

"Bone" constantly appeared in Jim's scholastic and employment endeavors .  But because of the  utterance of "I do," that particular word has since been deleted from
his universe.

Conversation Between the Author's Senile 82 Year Old Grandfather, the Author, and Very Briefly, Knish, the Elder's Dead Dog

Grandpa

Knish.  Knish.  Knish! 

Me

Uh...Grandpa, Knish isn't here.

Grandpa

 What do you mean?  Where is he?

Me

 Dead.

Grandpa

 How long ago?

Me
Two years.  Give or take.

Grandpa

 Did an ironclad get him?

Me

 They don't have ironclads anymore, Grandpa.

Grandpa  

 Fiddlesticks!  What are they using for naval engagements now?

Me

Submarines.  They're kind of like ironclads that operate underwater.

Grandpa

Witchcraft!

Me

 No, maritime engineering.  Witches have nothing to do with it.

Grandpa

 Communist treachery!

Me

 Yes, communists are often treacherous dogs, but the invention of the submarine had nothing to do with communists.  It was just science.

Grandpa

 I don't trust them.  Damned rust-buckets in the water.  How do they move?  Do they use Orientals with oars?

Me

 Nuclear propulsion.  See...

Grandpa

 Because Chinamen made a damn fine railroad.  Swinging their hammers every which way.  Goes to assume they'd be good oarsmen.  They'd be awful coxswains.  You'd never be able to understand their jibber jabber.

Me

 A cox...what?  Why are you talking about an Asian's penis?

Grandpa

You try spending all of May 1954 without Chinese penis in you.

Me

Wait.  You fooled around with guys?

Grandpa

I shot McKinley.

Irony Watch 2013: A Man of Principle

Edward Snowden, this generation's Hal Holbrook, has blown a klaxon in effort to to inform the populace what 1984 had already informed the populace of sixty four fucking years ago.

To wit:  LINK

And where, pray-tell, does the aforementioned Snowden hide his yellow-bellied traitor loins in order to stand mightily on his principles?


Why Hong Kong, of course.


This has been Irony Watch 2013.


Carry on.

Lock Up Your Children, For Jerry Don Gleaton Has A Van

Run away, children!  Run to the bosom of your birth-mum!  Jerry Don sees you.  Jerry Don smells you.  And Jerry Don has brought candy.  He may have a pack of Sugar Babies, some Fun Dip, or even Pop Rocks hidden 'neath Poseidon's headdress.

"He looks like a fine young fellow,"  Some of the mothers pushing strollers might say.  Ignorant slags!  He's not peering into some far off horizon reliving the skirt steak he devoured for lunch.  He's looking for escape routes:  escape routes that he will vanish on after nabbing your child with his homemade frog gigger and burlap sack. 

When he's not playing baseball, Jerry Don Penis Erectus Gleaton loves to toil in his shed.  His tools calm him from a long day of suffering fools in the fool's paradise around him.  His hands calloused from an ironmongerer's daily grind:  he melts hot hot lead like he melts hot hot hearts and succeeds in both because of his hot hot sex.

Someone should really call the authorities.  But would they care?  One look at the strapping broad shouldered, immaculately groomed face, and criminally tight glutes of Jerry Van Dyke Don Corleone Gleaton would cause even the most cynical man to revert to optimistic sunshine.  How can you not look at him -- shouting to Almighty God Almighty, "Thank you, Lord of all things and Jerry Don Gleaton!  I have found the definition of perfect!"-- and not find the closest shoulder in which to dry your eyes?

But do not be fooled!  He may write beautiful sonnets; he may be able to pat his head and rub his belly simultaneously.  But these are mere parlor tricks from a man who has given himself over to evil.

Jerry He Was Such A Quiet Boy Don Gleaton has moved into your zip code -- with his van --

Act accordingly.

If "Satanic Verses" and Hip Hop Collided

Salman Rush-D.M.C.

Seldom Used Klingon Proverbs

"Revenge is a dish best served with bedroom eyes."

"Revenge is a dish best served at 40-Love."

"Revenge is a dish best served at an internal temperature of 165°."

"Revenge is a dish best served before midnight just in case there are Gremlins present."

"Revenge is a dish best served in interpretive dance."

"Revenge is a dish best served with a lovely side of sauteed shitaki mushrooms followed by a single white grape to cleanse the palette."

"Revenge is a dish best served by using Victor Borge's skull and kneecaps as vehicles for said revenge while being topped by a delicious FroYo."

"Revenge is a dish best served without bread so as not to fill you up before you've had your necessary portion of revenge."

A Gentleman's Explanation

'Tis true I forgot to put the toilet seat down.
It only happened after I consumed much drink.
I don't quite understand the reason you frown-
At least this time I did not use the sink.