Felix Pie Surrounded by Felixes, Pies

A man must one day find a subject that not only impresses upon him the importance of answers, but also the importance of obsessing over said answers. 

And having grown older and more weary having traversed the tundra of banality we call life, I one day sat upon my stoop and asked the heavens to intervene and bequeath me a subject that would hog-tie my brain for the remainder of my years as I patiently wait on the doorstep to nothing-ness.

The heavens moved as the trumpets blared.  A booming voice - of whom I could only assume was Michael Clarke Duncan - said unto me, "Learn to pluralize 'Felix!'  And then do some shitty clip art with Microsoft Paint."


This has been Felix Pie surrounded by Felixes and pies.


An Epigram Concerning Schmidty

It is painfully obvious that when one gazes at Schmidty, he does not enjoy even the slightest modicum of Native American extraction. 

This, though, has not belayed the tribal elders from bestowing the name "He Who Speaks As If Someone Is Listening" upon him.


Books That Will Never be Published

How To Be Tolerant Of Others

- by Pol Pot

Gimme That Fork, Asshole!

- by Stuart Cassington

Amelia Bedelia And Her Tasty Pie

- by Peggy Parish

Hasty Meats Fetching:  The Art Of Being A Highly Awesome Me

- by Wilford Brimley

Hooray!  Hooray!  Hooray!  Awesome And Wonderful!  Hooray!

- by Albert Camus

Dental Dams and You (A How To Popup Book)

- by Chester Poonswipe
How To Be Tolerant Of Others (US Edition)
- by Edgar Ray Killen
- by J. Fred Muggs 
My Mommy Is A Big Fat Doody Stupidhead
- by Timmy Horowitz
What You Should Do When Your House Is On Fire At This Exact Moment (Seriously, Your Fucking House Is On Fire!  Make For The Door, Stupid!  Holy Shit!  You're Still Reading?  What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?  Ha Ha, I'm Just Kidding.  Your House Is Not On Fire.  But If It Were, Reading This Book Would Assist You In Navigating The Treacherous Waters That Come With Everything Around You Being A'Flame.  So The Lesso...Wait- Do You Smell Smoke?  I'm Not Joking This Time.  Run, Bitch, Run!  Save The Richie Allen Rookie Card!  Save The AIDS Quilt!  Vamoose, Motherfucker!)
- by Sir Nigel Houndsworth OBE

I Never Touch The Stuff

- by Charlie Sheen with Dana Plato

- by Ginger Lynn

Delicious Cocktails For The Holiday Season

- by Jim Jones