Advice From an Asshole

Dear Asshole,
                        My boyfriend and I have been together for almost six months.  Until recently, our sex life has been excellent.  We did it every day and could not get enough of one another.

                        We haven't had sex in the last two weeks.  He kept saying that he was tired from working so much or that he wasn't feeling well and thought he was coming down with the flu.  I was skeptical and decided to confront him about it.  My biggest fear was that he was cheating on me.  That has happened to me in the past and is an unpardonable offense.  He told me he wasn't cheating and the reason we haven't been having sex is that he thinks I've gained some weight and am no longer attractive to him.  

                        While I have put on a few pounds, I believe it to be a negligible amount and certainly not enough to be unattractive.  I know I still look good.  How do I convince him of this?


                                                        Lost in La Crosse

Dear Delusional Bitch,
                                     Let's start with the obvious, shall we?  You were already a porcine individual.  The only time added weight is a "negligible amount" is when you're a heifer.  Plus, you're living in Wisconsin.  As I understand it to be, Wisconsin is full of fifth generation Polacks whose metabolisms are slower than a retard on Jeopardy.
                                    Now that we got the fact that you're a giant fatty out of the way, we can focus on whether or not your boyfriend is cheating... Of course he's cheating, you corpulent twat!

 Let us investigate:

1)  You started dating each other in November

2)  Shit gets really cold in November, doesn't it?

3)  In cold weather, people need to keep warm as best they can

4)  Fat people can help keep their partner's toes from falling off

5)  It's not cold anymore

                                   So now that it's not cold he doesn't want anything to do with you.  What a shocking revelation!  He doesn't need your blubber to insulate him from the frostbitten tundra that is Wisconsin.  And since he doesn't need your podgy backside anymore, he's not attracted to you.  The sad part is that he was never attracted to you; and you thought he was.  HAHA!  What a giant massive moon-like tubby dumdum you are.  He's banging some skinny broad whom he can actually stand thinking about while he's porking her.  And speaking of porking...Oink Oink, bitch!

                                   Now, normally in this situation I would advise the person to run a warm bath, light some candles, grab a pint of Häagen-Daz, and just relax.  But with you, I can't recommend that.  You obviously don't need to be eating any ice cream, your tub may not be big enough for your William Howard Taft-esque ass, and you're so stupid that if you use candles, you might just burn your fucking house down.  

                                    Here's what you do:  break up with the guy.  Take a spin class.  Eat a salad.  And before you know it, you'll be the gal that the guys are cheating with instead of on.  Now that's progress!

                                    And please drop me a line in six or seven months.  December can get frigid.






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