Reasonable Apathy

Human beings are animals, you idiot.

And I never want to see you again- Until the next time I see you again.

  Richie don't care about emphysema or cancer.  His secondhand smoke is first class cool.  Want your pants to be as fancy as the righteo...

Hey, Pangaea- get your act together!

Bring retarded is no excuse for being slow.

Schindler's Lisp

Yeah, Sting, we fucking get it.

Hardboiled Stanton Pierre:  Go To Hell, Bastards! Prologue The sun was out.  I'd been driving for hours now.  I was tired.  I ...

"It was my fault?  Hooray!"

Foiled due to nincompoopery.

Do refer to the pleasing use of a 'whammy bar" in the first four bars! Do refer to Joe Piscopo not referring to Eddie Mur...

Some things just make you giggle.

He stood shivering on the corner in a drenched trench coat staring at his brogues.  She was garbed in heliotrope avoiding the puddles. ...

Expansion season, you ask?  Why no, my dear, that is most certainly not the case. A mentally incapacitated manager, thereby rendering Mitte...

Almost getting what you want is the same thing as not getting what you want.

In the Hindu text "Bhagavad-Gita," Vishnu was imploring the Prince to toil if only for the fact that toiling was the Prince's...

Quiet night, alone- Wishing you were here with me. Damn, Sartre was right.

Speak less, you moronic dumbfuck.

 PART ONE Chris Johnson grumbled and stood up from the couch. The old Teledyne giggled at him with its archaic HORIZ and VERT as he a...

There are people who say things they shouldn't. And there are people who shouldn't say things.

Night of the Lupus

Upon waking after the evening doze... He will shuffle to the percolating black essence- Upon finishing the dark, lively liquid... He will...

I know how to fucking spell, assholes.

The Kibbitzer Uncle Touchy Hideki Irabu The Amazing Cubpoard Flan Lady UTI Blackface The Sleepy Mexican The Twink the Bear and the Tw...

Hands held 'neath moonlight, We look at the stars as one. In the breeze, a fart.

Women and children first.

There can be Obi-Wan.

Ebola Flakes Cancer O's Cream of Crib Death Frosted Mini-AIDS Herpes Nut Clusters Gonorrhea Grahams Holocaust Crunch ...

There's a smell in my house- (Where is it?) There's a smell in my house- (What is it?) There's a smell in my house- (Who is...

Elmer, you are quite the rascal! LINK

"Be at the ready, my dearest... For I shall commence lacquering your derriere with the euphoric pinnacle of our binding in the merest ...

Jacoby Cruthers stands at the shore of the lake.  The light, calming wind - pleasing to both he and the ambient humidity - circulates amongs...

A man must one day find a subject that not only impresses upon him the importance of answers, but also the importance of obsessing...

"Hey, Dad?  Do you want to have a catch?  If you know what I mean."

It is painfully obvious that when one gazes at Schmidty, he does not enjoy even the slightest modicum of Native American extraction.  This...

At least it's somewhere, right?

How To Be Tolerant Of Others - by Pol Pot Gimme That Fork, Asshole ! - by Stuart Cassington     Amelia Bedelia And Her Tasty Pie...

Beware of Gods

Catapult The Rubbery right arm of Old Hoss Radbourn Ninja Collective Famous female shot putter Helena Fibingerová

  Your X is on a spot where triumph is buried, But gone forever is that place Only to be left forever in our dreams. ...

The Imperial Guards were really shitty at their jobs.

"Parsnips.  Parsnips.  Parsnips!" "A lux is defined as a lumen per meter squared!" "Whoops." "I hope i...

The Importance of Being Earnest

"I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies, I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes! Now let...

Green's Theorem on a plane on a plane.

Two ducks are sitting in a jacuzzi.  One duck looks at the other and asks, "Hey, do you have any Chapstick?" "Yeah, of cours...

Their mere presence floods your body with just enough endorphins to produce hope.

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways- 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, ...

Danny drinks heavily his Jagermeister, with whom he shares with none, due to his insistence on creating the largest liver in the northern ...

Herpes Goes Bananas

"Nice catheter!" "They can cure syphilis now." "I got a pocket-full of blue pills and my homeboys do too....

On this day in 1974, William Devane ordered an unsweetened iced tea with lemon-wedge and a tuna melt on whole wheat toast. Those whom were ...

Missing Judge Judy. Rubber gloves and toilet brush- Fear the ass doctor!

Stop right there, dumbass fuck-nugget!  Not only is Wilford Brimley looking more disheveled than usual, but his pointy-finger is pointed ...

I think you like me. I can't ask you directly 'Cause I'm a pussy.

Good conflict Good ending Good snacks

We should get ice cream. But I'm not asking you 'cause Your face is stupid.

It is a matter of course that an intelligent person will occasionally muse upon the existence of a being of higher power than themself.  The...

Many things are worthy of getting to the bottom of.  Alas, some things will never have their Laurentian-like depth trawled due to fear of fe...

They were in his other pants.

Rickety loudness! Off-balance shopping cart rolls Past my house nightly.

You were in the mood and I was raring to go- But drink detours me time after time- I don't remember doing much for you to bemoan- Unl...

Super-mega-maximum-awesome is a term that describes something as being super-mega-maximum-awesome in nature. For example:  If you were to f...

In honor of All Hallows' Eve, I submit to you some very quotable quotes quoted by the most famous ghost in the history of all things th...

From an outside observer's standpoint, it would certainly seem like I'm mentally preparing myself for the process of bending down to...

Needing a spark during the ALCS, John Farrell-- manager for the Beaneaters of Boston -- said that it was time to throw young-buck roo...

She ventured up to me with furrowed brow and bitten lip.  She grazed softly my face with delicate fingers.  Gazing into my eyes, I could te...

One could theoretically hug Robey forever if one chose to dedicate the forever necessary because forever is precisely the amount of time nee...

Fists of Murray

Slappy Do-Rag Poo Poo Pattycake Johnson Cobblestone Knuckenicks Old Aspergillus Face Esther Abramowitz Bronto-cock The La...

Death Rides a Hose

In a rotunda of social obligation, Charlie- he of distilled thought and drunken warbling- commenced to crossing the room in a most haphazard...

Camouflage Boxer Briefs- So She Won't See You Coming

I was enjoying my journey 'cross the land of Thai- But drink deviated me from my well formed plan. At least I found a mate with whom I...

Soylent Green Apple Quickstep                    "Soylent Green Apple Quickstep is poo poo!"

"May all good handshakes that here agree Sanitize thy hands to be germ free, And may all my bacterium go to hell! Purell!  Purell!  Pur...

Avast, ye Fat Man!  How you've raped death! Flick!  Flick!  You finger-fucker; You abundance of negligible.  Stare across the horizon ...

"... and then we used our safety word." "... and that's the last time I ate a chocolate bunny." "... his face...

My week was consumed by the most exhausting toil- So I was drunk on drink upon joining you in bed. Immediately I had to ravish you 'ti...

When playing against the Giants of San Francisco, it would be a rather prudent idea to do everything that is in your power to not hit the ba...

At some point in the summer of 1985, Noddy Holder (top-hatted frontman of Slade and inspiration for the currently dead Kevin DuBrow) stole...

Platitude of the Apes

I wanted to share in our son's blessed day- But drink had turned me a shade of green. Rest assured I was still well on the way, Until...

"Bone" constantly appeared in Jim's scholastic and employment endeavors .  But because of the  utterance of "I do," ...

Grandpa Knish.  Knish.  Knish!  Me Uh...Grandpa, Knish isn't here. Grandpa  What do you mean?  Where is he? ...

Edward Snowden, this generation's Hal Holbrook, has blown a klaxon in effort to to inform the populace what 1984 had already informed t...

Run away, children!  Run to the bosom of your birth-mum!  Jerry Don sees you.  Jerry Don smells you.  And Jerry Don has brought candy.  H...

Salman Rush-D.M.C.

"Revenge is a dish best served with bedroom eyes." "Revenge is a dish best served at 40-Love." "Revenge is a dish...

'Tis true I forgot to put the toilet seat down. It only happened after I consumed much drink. I don't quite understand the reason ...

She courts her reflection with eye-hardened resolve. "Truth is beauty; therefore I am true," She may think to herself. All the w...

You Can't Do That On Television Unless You're In Germany Loofasam Dodecahedronculottes Where In The Greater Metropolitan Des Moine...

Kolcluck:  The Chicken Choker

I considered going to your lecture on Erasmus. But one drink turned into quite a lot. Please don't take personally my absence. It...

I'm sorry I broke your priceless china. I was a wee bit drunk last night. And you say that wasn't your vagina? I thought it felt ...

Yu's ball floats o'er Batter flails... Another K! Zero gravity?

Grocery list: Tissues Hand Lotion

Cliche :  " The world is your oyster. " Response :  Must be why I'm so horny all the time. Cliche :  " Christmas is...

I am a blurred picture on a carton of spoiled milk resting upon a ziggurat of decaying rubbish. My guffaw: neither true nor charming- It ...

Chili with no beans has identical undesired effect as chili with beans.

I miss you- I'll think about it later.

You don't. Mess around. With.  BRIM.