A Meeting with He and His Spiffy Sandals

In honor of All Hallows' Eve, I submit to you some very quotable quotes quoted by the most famous ghost in the history of all things that do not and will not ever exist...

JESUS! CHRIST!

Yessir-ree-bob. I do indeed mean the Jesus!  Christ!  I'm quite convinced I spoke to the anthropomorphic form of Jesus! Christ! because He told me He was in fact Jesus! Christ!  And only a delusional schizophrenic foil-chapeau wearing loon whom I played chess with on a daily basis in a facility for delusional schizophrenic foil-chapeau wearing loons would know whether or not they are Jesus! Christ!

And as Jesus! Christ! once said to me as he opened with a Stonewall Attack:  "How in the fuck-basket burnt sienna has Edward James Olmos not played Manuel Noriega in a Broadway rendition of Mannix?"

Excellent query, Mr. Christ!

And now----

Jesus! Christ! on...

- Electric Cars

  

"Ish Kabibble!"

- Jews

"They'll come around."

- Cute Kitty Cats

"Satan's sycophants!  Nihasa ne'er-do-wellers!  Stupid Assholes!"

- The Still Breathing Gavin Macleod

"I know a guy."

- Usain Bolt

"Whooopa-dee-doo, your majesty--  Try doing that on water."

   

  - Dancing Like No One is Watching

"Somersets; day and night!"

- The Trappings of  Wealth

"Bjorn Borg:  scourge of the Federation."

 

An Epigram Concerning Me Feeling Old

From an outside observer's standpoint, it would certainly seem like I'm mentally preparing myself for the process of bending down to pick something up off the ground that is less than one-tenth my weight.

Do Not Take John Farrell Literally

Needing a spark during the ALCS, John Farrell-- manager for the Beaneaters of Boston -- said that it was time to throw young-buck rookie third basebagger Xander Bogaerts into the fire.  While one should ignore the spark/fire reference as both hackneyed and legitimately dumbass-ian, it is quite necessary for one to note that "fire" was used as a metaphor.


So it is rather unfortunate that a third rate cardiac surgeon with a stupid hat took literally Farrell's quote and did this:

Piddles and damnations to Murgatroyd!  I left the Pepcid in my other sacrificial turban!

                             

Be Kind-- Remind--

She ventured up to me with furrowed brow and bitten lip.  She grazed softly my face with delicate fingers.  Gazing into my eyes, I could tell her synapses were firing at speeds unknown to human-kind.  I stared back--pleading, begging, hoping--say it!  Does she dare?  Could those words I've longed to hear escape her mouth? 

And what seemed like eons multiplied by eons raised to exponent infinite...

"Honey," she says softly.
"Yes, my love?"  I can no longer wait.  I'm trembling.  Her naked vulnerability demands every ounce of my attention.

She speaks-

"Put the fucking toilet seat down."

FIN

An Epigram Concerning Robey

One could theoretically hug Robey forever if one chose to dedicate the forever necessary because forever is precisely the amount of time needed to get arms around him.

Not a Jewish Kung Fu Movie Starring Bruce Lee

Fists of Murray

Lesser Known Negro League Player Nicknames

Slappy Do-Rag Poo Poo

Pattycake Johnson

Cobblestone Knuckenicks

Old Aspergillus Face

Esther Abramowitz

Bronto-cock

The Laredo Lockjaw

Soupbone Smacker

Not Gay in Any Way Whatsoever

Not a Film About Necrophilia Starring Lee Van Cleef

Death Rides a Hose

An Epigram Concerning Charlie

In a rotunda of social obligation, Charlie- he of distilled thought and drunken warbling- commenced to crossing the room in a most haphazard way.  "A corner I must find," he bellowed. "A corner to which I may relieve my weariness!"

Double Entendre Slogan for Male Undergarments

Camouflage Boxer Briefs- So She Won't See You Coming

A Gentleman's Excursion

I was enjoying my journey 'cross the land of Thai-
But drink deviated me from my well formed plan.
At least I found a mate with whom I could lie-
But I probably should have asked if she was a man.

Not a Sci-Fi Civil War Movie Starring Charleton Heston and Edward G. Robinson with a Quote From Said Movie Where Charleton Heston Raises a Concern

Soylent Green Apple Quickstep
                  
"Soylent Green Apple Quickstep is poo poo!"

An Excerpt From Hilaire Belloc's "The Four Men," Contemporized for Persons Suffering with Mysophobia

"May all good handshakes that here agree

Sanitize thy hands to be germ free,

And may all my bacterium go to hell!

Purell!  Purell!  Purell!  Purell!

May all my bacterium go to hell!

Purell!  Purell!"

The Retiring Corpulence of Johnny B.

Avast, ye Fat Man!  How you've raped death!
Flick!  Flick!  You finger-fucker;
You abundance of negligible.  Stare across the horizon of your imminent demise- bask in the shade-

The dirt molds between your toes.

How ankles must buckle under the gravity of your mass.

You flick!  Flick again!
Incessant with your obsession, have you shame inside?

A hollow cunt you are-
Filling it.  Filling with naked promise of another day of
No death.
Your maker lives atop a mountain Rocky-
Taste the cock of your maker!  Guzzle His fluid-life killer!

Drenched in your own perishable skin-sack, upon a weeping heap of collapsing, creaking, beveling earth.
Your steps take an infinity stolen from finite time- your Lorentzian length expanding in proportion.

The residue of your breath insulates a Siberian hut.

Staring at the poltergeist of the Ace of Hearts- yours beats heavily;
Have you guilt?  A life worth the definition? 

Have ware that all ends are nigh- but some not soon enough.
Fare-thee-well, Fat Man!

Non Sequiturs for Lovely Pilgrim Ladies

"... and then we used our safety word."

"... and that's the last time I ate a chocolate bunny."

"... his face, covered with some sort of viscous fluid- like that scene in Ghostbusters."

"... smelling like a birthing wildebeest at noon in the dead of summer."

"... horseshoes, except with onion rings and a cock."

"... you know- the guy with stumps for hands who works at that Oriental massage parlor?"

"... and hold the placenta."

"... slips on it, falls flat on his ass onto Aunt Trudy's most favorite wombat, kills it, and then blames the Bolsheviks!"

"... how he got it all the way up there, I'll never know."

"... name him after Hitler."

A Gentleman's Effort

My week was consumed by the most exhausting toil-
So I was drunk on drink upon joining you in bed.
Immediately I had to ravish you 'till your blood did boil-
But would have stopped had I realized you were dead.

Base-balling Words of Wisdom

When playing against the Giants of San Francisco, it would be a rather prudent idea to do everything that is in your power to not hit the ball within three zip codes of Brandon Crawford.

Baudelaire/Holder

At some point in the summer of 1985, Noddy Holder (top-hatted frontman of Slade and inspiration for the currently dead Kevin DuBrow) stole an innocent looking DeLorean DMC-12 from the driveway of one Dr. Emmett Brown.  

It is of absolutely no secret to anyone that Holder loved speed.  His infatuation with extreme wavelength stretching velocities bordered on the obsessive; and according to his myriad of female lovers, he was also obsessed with buying saffron in bulk.

Little did Noddy know that when his lead-footed ways forced the DeLorean to reach 88 mph, it would transport both man and car to a preset temporal destination.  The year was 1849.  The place was a small cafe in rapidly industrializing Paris, France.

You may be asking yourself how Holder ended up in Paris if that was not the place of his immediate departure.  Well, I don't fucking know.  But what I do fucking know is that Noddy Holder had a cup of coffee and shared some laudanum with Charles Baudelaire.  So shut up and read some excerpts from their conversation, okay?

Assholes.

Baudelaire

Be always drunken.  Nothing else matters:  that is the only question.

Holder

I don't want to drink my whiskey like you do.

Baudelaire

The act of love strongly resembles torture or surgery.

Holder

I wanted to show the colder broads how hot cookin’ they are- So give me good time gals to love the rest of my life - wooo!

Baudelaire

I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.

Holder

Them kinda monkeys can't swing and them birdies can't sing.  If them pigs could fly maybe they'd fly away from me

Baudelaire

To love intelligent women is the pleasure of a pederast.  

Holder

Boys get tight.  Ooh, what a sight.  Ready to use their charms.

Baudelaire

And, drunk with my own madness, I shouted at him furiously, "Make life beautiful! Make life beautiful!"

Holder

And you told me fool fire-water won't hurt me.

Baudelaire

If rape or arson, poison or the knife has wove no pleasing patterns in the stuff of this drab canvas we accept as life- It is because we are not bold enough!

  

Holder

Gotta find some way outta this town tonight.  There's a hot shootin' mama gonna crack your skull on sight.

--- Cheers to Dayn Perry

Not a Movie Where a Simian Society "Goes With the Flow"

Platitude of the Apes

A Gentleman's Eschewal

I wanted to share in our son's blessed day-
But drink had turned me a shade of green.
Rest assured I was still well on the way,
Until I realized my pants were rather unclean.