Advice From an Asshole

Dear Asshole,
                        My boyfriend and I have been together for almost six months.  Until recently, our sex life has been excellent.  We did it every day and could not get enough of one another.

                        We haven't had sex in the last two weeks.  He kept saying that he was tired from working so much or that he wasn't feeling well and thought he was coming down with the flu.  I was skeptical and decided to confront him about it.  My biggest fear was that he was cheating on me.  That has happened to me in the past and is an unpardonable offense.  He told me he wasn't cheating and the reason we haven't been having sex is that he thinks I've gained some weight and am no longer attractive to him.  

                        While I have put on a few pounds, I believe it to be a negligible amount and certainly not enough to be unattractive.  I know I still look good.  How do I convince him of this?

                

                                     Sincerely,

                                                        Lost in La Crosse

Dear Delusional Bitch,

                                     Let's start with the obvious, shall we?  You were already a porcine individual.  The only time added weight is a "negligible amount" is when you're a heifer.  Plus, you're living in Wisconsin.  As I understand it to be, Wisconsin is full of fifth generation Polacks whose metabolisms are slower than a retard on Jeopardy.

                                  
                                    Now that we got the fact that you're a giant fatty out of the way, we can focus on whether or not your boyfriend is cheating... Of course he's cheating, you corpulent twat!

 Let us investigate:

1)  You started dating each other in November

2)  Shit gets really cold in November, doesn't it?

3)  In cold weather, people need to keep warm as best they can

4)  Fat people can help keep their partner's toes from falling off

5)  It's not cold anymore

                                   So now that it's not cold he doesn't want anything to do with you.  What a shocking revelation!  He doesn't need your blubber to insulate him from the frostbitten tundra that is Wisconsin.  And since he doesn't need your podgy backside anymore, he's not attracted to you.  The sad part is that he was never attracted to you; and you thought he was.  HAHA!  What a giant massive moon-like tubby dumdum you are.  He's banging some skinny broad whom he can actually stand thinking about while he's porking her.  And speaking of porking...Oink Oink, bitch!

                                   Now, normally in this situation I would advise the person to run a warm bath, light some candles, grab a pint of Häagen-Daz, and just relax.  But with you, I can't recommend that.  You obviously don't need to be eating any ice cream, your tub may not be big enough for your William Howard Taft-esque ass, and you're so stupid that if you use candles, you might just burn your fucking house down.  

                                    Here's what you do:  break up with the guy.  Take a spin class.  Eat a salad.  And before you know it, you'll be the gal that the guys are cheating with instead of on.  Now that's progress!

                                    And please drop me a line in six or seven months.  December can get frigid.

                                                 Sincerely,

                                                                    Asshole

  

                                    

                                   

                     

                                       

Begone to the Forever, Captain Stubing! And Beyond It!

Your virginal white garb is absurdly ironic-
Seeing as how you mount little boys in your
floating den of horny avarice.

"Slow ahead!" You scream at underlings too
stupid to see the double meaning behind it-
And the little boy nestled in your crotch.

Your even brief presence requires such a
lengthy salute.  Yet the only salute you give
is the one in your pants for said little boys.

Lo, how do you get away with such pedophillic machinations?
Your bedroom eyes?  Toothsome smile as white as
the pale thighs concealed under your short shorts?

An innocence is detected in your round moon-face;
Yet it hides the blackest of souls whose thirst for
the pernicious and deceit is unbounded.

Oh, a blue eyed angel you are not.  In fact,
I'm quite certain you are a minion of Satan himself-
Sent here by Him to secure his position as global potentate.

And so He shall rule, with You at his side-
The one that brought him victory, thanks to your
spurious smile and duplicitous tongue.

Looking at you, there is no conclusion left
to be made. Your evil stands alone-  but perhaps not;
Because I have my doubts about Doc.

Two Examples of Where "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is Non-Applicative

Staff Sergeant

Rear Admiral

The Author's Name, Boldened and Embiggened for Sight Restricted Individuals and Possibly His Own Ego

SCHWARTZ

What Should Never be Said at a Dinner Party Thrown by Foodies

What the fuck is that?

This tastes as though it would be best paired with a Bartles and James.

The finest pastries in all the land can be found at Stucky's.

Where's the shitter?

Anyone bring Moon Pies? 

What a coinkydink!  I once had my balls licked on this very table!

A round of "Huzzah's" to the chef for not a soul vomited up their meal!

Oh, no thank you.  If I had another helping, my dick would fall off.

Bangers and mash, tee hee.

This traditional Navajo dish is exquisite.  I now anoint you the "Iron Chief".

We call it maize, motherfucker.

I haven't been to one of these since I left the Donner's.

Don't mind me, I'm just here for the trim.

Quoth Ralph Kramden, Now as a Slightly More Educated Man

"See here you shrieking harpy!  If so much as a syllable is hissed from that serpentine chasm of yours, you shall endure fisticuffs from me which will send you barreling into the cosmos... posthaste!

Upon Fantasy Baseball and Salad Dressing, with Regret and Melancholy

 I ask of you:  can one be any more pathetic in choices as I?

Oh, how the idea of Peppercorn Ranch manifested such a magical whimsy in my mouth!  Hickory Bacon and Tomato:  the limits of my feverish desire...boundless!  I see you, Cucumber and Dill- teasing with your implicit promise of Mediterranean delight!  You'll never escape me, Roasted Garlic Parmesan!  I would circumnavigate all worlds near and infinitely far in follow of you!

I gather them- a buffet all to myself; orgasmic salad delight is but a stone's throw away!

Like an accident happening, my temporal senses slow- I taste them all; awaiting the moment whereupon hands clasp overhead in celebration of genius.

Nary a sound I make- disappointed as I am.  Awful!  Sickening!  Pitiful!  Turd-like!  These selections proved hideous:  my brilliance annihilated.  Shame cloaked me as a lone tear traversed my cheek.  Quickly as was my wont, I collected my group of failures and set them to be cast off down to the pits of hell from which they had sprung and shall now return!  My attempts at pleasuring my otherwise dull world with flavors so bold; so delicious; now all for not.

I sat down- the lights were dim, the lights were dim. 

Four times was the fail...

Four!

And as to my miscarriage?  What is my penance? 

It is this golden sombrero:  so shiny in its laughingly ironic, mocking existence.  I will never again wear such a soul-heavy headdress.

Just as I vow to never have Jesus Montero on my team again.

Fuck that guy. 

At the Expense of Roger Ebert

First time that he saw Olivia de Havilland his jaw dropped

Didn't respect Richard Kiel's acting roles until much later in life

Death was the second funniest thing to happen to him

Fuck you, four eyes!

Could never be accused of mouthing off

Ended up being ahead of the decomposition curve

Wasn't constrained by the narrow rules of the English language by having to use vowels

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Traipse

Gallivant

Saunter

Pussyfoot

Jazzercise

Watch "Duck Tales"

Sack York

Hum a happy tune

Legendre transformations

Be a clown

Play "Strat-o-matic"

Make cocoa

Say really excited things, such as "Tally ho!"

How a Cow Would Respond to Being Callously Abandoned in the Middle of a Densely Crowded Kuala Limpur Bazaar

"Moo."

Ten Interesting Facts About Marcel Marceau

1)  Real name was Gabardine Rabinowitz

2)  Invented the microphone

3)  Exhumed the body of a hair tonic salesman who died in 1926

4)  Was known amongst superheroes as "The Sonic Boom"

5)  Hated the smell of feet

6)  Directly responsible for the Bay of Pigs

7)  TKO'd Abraham Maslow in the fifth round of a ten round match

8)  Insisted that people call him "Mr. Tibbs" on warm evenings during the third week of every month

9)  Coined the Term "Silent but deadly"

10)  Wore a bonnet

Dramatic Reenactment of the First Conversation Between Anne Sullivan and Helen Keller as Performed by The Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote

Anne

Meep meep

Helen

Grrrblfardppth!

Anne

Meep meep

 Helen

Grrrblfardppth!

Anne 

Meep meep

Helen

Grrrblfardppth! (falls off cliff and dies)

What a Duet Between Phil Collins and Theodor Geisel Would Sound Like

"Seuss Seuss Sudio"

Rejected Jeopardy Categories

Rational Women

Colonial American Homosexuals

Hitler's Spice Rack

Knights of the Rhombus Table

Inner Ear Erotica

Monogamous Kennedys

Marsupial Genetalia

Famous African American Podiatrists

Micronesian Achievements

Aboriginal Toiletries

A Racist but no Less Interesting Perspective on Vietnamese Parents

They name their children Dong but not Charlie.

What Not to Say to Your Feminist Girlfriend After She Complains That it Hurts When Being Sodomized

"Take it like a man."